Steady
by RaineArilan
Summary: One-shot. Brown hair. Black eyes. Scarred face. Beautiful, beautiful scarred face. I was in more pain than I could currently comprehend but I had what I needed. Hold on? I could do that. I could do anything Iruka asked of me. T for language


A/N: Prompt set 01, word 02. There is absolutely no significance to the order of fics, just that that's the order of the prompts. See my profile for the list order if you care.

TWT and before you ask, I don't know what's going on in this scene either. I really don't. My muses won't tell me.

Oh yeah, and SLASH. No smut but the relationship is obvious.

I own nothing.

* * *

"Steady. Steady, Kakashi. Hold on."

Steady. Brown hair. Black eyes. Scarred face. Beautiful, beautiful scarred face. I was in more pain than I could currently comprehend but I had what I needed. Hold on? I could do that. I could do anything Iruka asked of me.

"You stopped him, Kakashi. You held your ground, now just hold steady again or it won't work."

Stopped? Stopped who? Naruto? Sasuke? They were always doing something that needed to be stopped. But I didn't…. I don't remember them being there. I don't… I don't remember _me_ being there. I don't remember _there_ at all. All my memories feel old, weeks in the past or longer. I don't remember _where_ Naruto is, but I know that Sasuke left us. Left me.

"Good, Kakashi. Breathe in for me. And out. Steady. Slow. One at a time. Just breathe, nothing else."

Okay, Sasuke was gone, but then who— Breathe? I could breathe. I'd been doing it all my life. I should tell that to Iruka. He would pretend to laugh but he would secretly really find it funny. And talking could be done while breathing—if… if one could breathe in the first place! I fought to send out the signals, to haul in air, to blow it out my mouth.

_I couldn't feel my mouth!_

I couldn't feel anything. Not one finger or toe. Not my lips or my hair or the fabric that must be touching me. I couldn't feel to breathe. I couldn't hear my heartbeat. I couldn't see anything but black. I was suddenly unsure if I had actually _seen_ Iruka a moment ago or just pictured him when I heard his voice. There was just nothing.

Nothing but the pain.

"No, no, love. Don't. You're not helping anyone this way. They can't work when you're like this."

Iruka didn't sound happy. And well he shouldn't. I was cheating on him after all. Pain was my first love, my constant companion since childhood and, like a scorned lover, he hated me but was oh so good in bed. I held onto the familiar sensation and tried to gauge his mood. Alas, it quickly became clear that he was still pissed. Pain wasn't talking to me. I couldn't tell if it was physical or mental. Maybe Itachi had fucked around in my head again.

_Maybe snow elves had tap-danced across my brain in spiked climbing cleats._

I was not being coherent anymore, said a bit of me that always sounded like my ANBU training instructor. If I could have spoken, I would have agreed with him.

If I could have spoken, I might not have been gibbering in my head about snow elves. A vicious circle.

"What the fuck do you mean he's fading?!"

It was verbal lightning in my darkness. But wouldn't that be thunder? Was it raining? Ah god, I hurt.

"Don't give me that! You just do your fucking job and Kakashi will do his, do you hear me?"

_I_ hear you, love, but I don't think you were talking to me. Otherwise that would be second instead of third, which people never get wrong, except for authors. But I shouldn't listen to Jiraiya.

"Oh no, you don't."

He was back, and in proper tense. Very good. V…very. Ah, I wish I knew if my eyes were open. I would love to close them.

"You told me you would never be your father, Kakashi. You told me, over and over, as I held you and you shook from all the things you'd seen and done and been victim to. You _told me_ you would never be your father. You told me I didn't need to worry. You told me you could never be that selfish. Well, _this is suicide, Kakashi!_"

Suicide. My entire being sat up and took notice as he spat my most private hurt in my face. Even Pain seemed to pause in his not talking to me and looked over. For one brief minute, I was within the realm of sanity. The realm of extreme rage, yes, but sanely furious. And Iruka never backed down in a fight.

"If you fade away, if you stop trying just because it is _hard_ and it must _hurt_…"

His voice broke, just a little and I felt a wash of confusion. Iruka never broke and Iruka never broke down. He never backed down from anything, be it a fight, his own weakness or having to admit that he was wrong. Iruka was the strongest man I knew, the one who reached out to steady me when I tripped.

_Steady._ I pushed the whisper at him, but knew it hadn't been said. Iruka would have to pick himself up without me. Wait. Without me?

"If you don't hold on just a little longer, merely because you think maybe you can't take it anymore, then you might as well have opened your veins on the floor years ago and been done with it. Your father couldn't take it anymore. You can."

Like fuck. Like _fuck_ he would have to do without me. I could still feel the long nights and longer days when all I wanted was my _father_, one touch, one word and nothing.

There! I had already known nothing. I had already survived a nothing full of Pain. It was how we'd met. I could do that again. It was easy, but like fuck Iruka would learn the skill!

Fourteen steps across my room to the door.

Eighty steps to the corner store to buy breakfast.

One thousand two hundred and ninty one steps to the training grounds the long way to use up more time.

I couldn't see anything, couldn't count my own steps, but what had that mattered anyway? Focus mattered. Mental coherence mattered. _Iruka_ mattered.

One.

Two.

Three.

"_Yes_. Like that, love. In and out. Slow and steady."

Four.

Five.

Six.

"Don't fight it, love. Slow and steady. Hold on."

Seven.

Eight.

Nine.

Pain did not take kindly to the renewed rejection of his suit and took that moment to spread the good feelings around. Lemon juice over broken burns. Ah, god!

"Kakashi?"

_Twelve._

_Thirteen._

_Fourteen._


End file.
